Head filled like a sponge

I've learned that work is a lot of patience. It's not like a video game where you aim, click a button, and see instant results....also, the longer the result the higher the rewards. I should have known this long ago, but when you work shit jobs you don't gain that much experience.

Sometimes I think Nicole draws me very close...personal need for acceptance or something..I'm not sure what it is because she doesn't come across as needy. She has this personality that would force anyone to want to be close to her...what's with "You don't call me" or "I want to go shopping with you!" and "You're probably hanging out with your other Dominican friends"..seriously, I don't understand it. Should I feel good about that? It makes me feel torn. love and friendship... Suggesting she would come to the Tyson's Corner, I havent thought hard about that one, but it definitely makes me feel good about life and her. I mean, to even suggest it was out of the blue..why would anyone care? Then after a few days or week I tend to lose the highinterest, only to have it re-ignited after a few more days. I don't have much time to think bout her anymore. I still do, but not like I used to. Busy, busy, busy.

She makes me feel so good. Kinda like what Katie said about me, "I'm addicted to you." Fuck that. Weren't addicted for much long. 8 and 5. That's about it.

For some reason I thought about Katie, from two years ago. I remember her telling me it wasn't anything personal, but even two years later I still take it personally. It's difficult to accept that when you think its yourself. I mean, I know I did a lot of stupid things and failed to do a lot of wonderful things...how can I hide that from her reasoning? There's no disconnect, even if I have a huge disconnect in emotions towards other people. Even Nicole, I love her but I can't physically show it. It's almost like an idea. No matter how I feel I could never - well, I did kiss Nicole once, but it takes a lot to get my confidence to that level. I can never bring myself to physically show a girl I like them...too inconfident, too unsure of myself, too scared of rejection... Even after Papa Razzi, where I treated Nicole to an awesome dinner...those were the days...I wanted so bad to just hold her hand. But at the moment we were just chillin'. Emotions...I'll never get a hang of 'em.

So Katie, I don't love her, but if she wanted to be with me I might give her a chance. Weird how all that works. She was so beautiful...why me?

I'm pretty happy in life, but still not confident with people in general. I'm more of a Nietzschean SuperMan...I live life far beyond what most would do..not making a value judgment, only that people don't exactly push themselves too hard.
I do what I have to do to get by, and usually does not include people. Not women, usually not guys...no one. Money is a big issue, too. Without money its tough to be like "hey, lets do this." Unless it involves a bike or two.

So there's this female, she gets on my nerves. I come home from work, usually late anymore as I ride at night or apply to jobs, and stupid, pessimistic comments abound. I used to be that way - Yeah, when I hated life. Everything is nit picked, commented with an attitude, and generally makes me want to fucking get the fuck out of the area. I'll see something on tv or do something stupid and I'll make a lighthearted comment that suggests: "life sure throws you a laugh on occasion." Sure, I usually don't agree with it, but if you make it fun you don't get worked up about it. "Oh Hillary! have my babies!" Or the fat woman in a bikini on that movie I didn't pay attention to: "HEY! HEY! HEY!" Robin and Noah took me seriously, at first. I thought it was hilarious. I actually had to convince them I wasn't serious. I think they think I like fat women or something. And no, Nicole, this isn't even remotely directed at you. They probably think I'm in a relationship with her, too. I am...as a friend. Wooo-weeee! Whaooaaaah! "HEY! HEY! HEY!" That's about the best comment you can make towards anything. Sets a comfortable mood.

But this female, jesus. I don't care if the movie has all white people or if the advertisement includes all races and genders talking as if friends....first off, what can I do about it? Boycott the movie? Society moves slowly with change, but it will eventually change. You be the change...what the fuck. Pessimism sucks.

TV sucks, too. What's the point? I want to live. Even with no money I fare off better than most. "We've got it better than the best." ~$800 in 4-5 months. Not bad at all. And I'm a beast in the cycling scene.